Without a voice to hear
by MrBucktoothWonder
Summary: Homestuck-Kurloz/Meulin and a little bit of Meenah/Meulin. I pretty much just took the headcannon story for Kurloz and Meulin and rewrote it in the way I imagined it :B Kurloz becomes severely depressed when he loses someone close to him, and even becomes suicidal. But there's something off in all of this... I'm going to rate it T for language. The Grand Highblood is in it o3o
1. Chapter 1

Normally, one's lusus tells their grub that when they are hatched (or whatever) they come from the heavens. That a godly troll of the highest blood makes them and sends them to Alternia to live happy lives, and then pass, so that they can go back home to him. And it seems simple enough, so simple that I wish I could believe it. But where I have come from…it couldn't possibly have been the heavens. The power that I was born with…I suppose you could call it a "high blood gift", because it is callous. It is not a blessing that a loving godly troll would bestow his creation; but rather a curse that he would engrave into a demon. My beloved lusus, along with everyone else present in the vicinity, died when I came onto Alternia. Every troll and lusus was culled in less than a second. The instant my tiny, cursed mouth opened and the sound of a newborn grub's obnoxiously loud cry touched the air…I first learned of my curse. My supremacy over trollkind…it was horrific. If I were to yell or cry, to raise my voice any louder than its soft status, I would hurt others with my own pain or anger.

My six tiny legs scuttled along the dirt as I traveled, attempting to be as quiet as possible, because of the deaths I witnessed when my cry echoed out. I was then found by a troll that was about 15 sweeps. (And if you are a human reading this, then that means he was about 31 human years old. I think…if I did the math right.) He raised me until I was almost 6 sweeps, and taught me of my power. He told me that a troll with such a high blood color was "incredibly motherfucking powerful," just like him. It was when I was just about to turn 3 when he told me that I was his descendant. That I was incredibly lucky to be the descendent of The Grand Highblood, and that very special abilities come with the color of our blood. "One day, you will be very motherfucking powerful, perhaps even as powerful as me." He then laughed and I did not respond. "If you harness that power, you can do anything you motherfucking desire, Kurloz. Did you know that? I can't motherfucking wait for you to become a Grand Highblood." Personally, I hated it. I hated absolutely everything about myself and my filthy blood, and my stupid, horrific power. Who would want to kill others just because they can? I was never big on culling, which he despised about me. He tried to teach me to kill, but I never would try. It angered him, so much to the point that he would hurt me. But even though we had our differences, he was like a lusus to me. He raised me, or I guess you could say that he took me in so that I could care for him, the way a lusus does. But anyway, we were very close. We always have been.

Other things came up as I grew older, small abilities I learned to use that didn't really appeal to me. Mind control was one, for example. I could speak to others through their mind, and control their physical actions. Nothing particularly special had happened in the short sweeps I had lived.

Until I met her.

I was surprised at first that my face paint didn't frighten her away; I thought I looked pretty intimidating. But nothing could stop that little huntress, as she crawled through the tall grass behind me, stalking me. If I had been any other troll, I probably would not have noticed her. Her little palms and paws touched the grass silently and her breathing was completely inaudible. She was an excellent huntress, and I almost felt like a cheater in this cute game because I could sense her glowing mind behind me. Eventually I stopped walking, and I heard her leap out from behind the bushes to attack me. I thought I had a better grip on her mind, but she was a lot faster than I had estimated, and she managed to slice my throat with a claw. I fell to the ground in shock, the blood beginning to steadily run down my neck and onto my shirt. Luckily, I was able to knock her leap off balance with my abilities so it wasn't a fatal wound. As she rolled over across the ground, she almost hissed at me like a little cub, until she noticed the blood running down the gray skin of my neck as I stood up. Or more particularly, the color of the blood.

Her eyes grew huge as she realized what she had done, and to whom she had done it to, and she collapsed to the ground beneath me, shaking and crying, knowing she was to be put down for harming a high blood. Her black hair fell over her small, cat-like horns, and littered the ground in a pool around her head. Why wouldn't she run, and save herself if she believed she were to die? She kept stuttering quietly into the dirt, between her tears. "I'm so- sorry…I didn't- know that you- were…please just- just make it fast…" Heartbroken, I knelt down on one knee to the small huntress in a crumpled ball and took her hand. As soon as I touched her, her small, lean body began to quiver more fiercely. I kissed her tiny, gray hand and whispered, "It is alright, little seeker. I do not wish to harm you, it was only a mistake." She looked up at my painted face suddenly, her dark curls falling past her shoulders in a mess. Her deep green eyes shone through the translucent green tears that had built up in her shocked eyes, and I wiped a thin trail of green from her gray cheek. She was a mid-blood, and a terrified one at that. "You have such a pretty voice." Her eyes twinkled up at me through her tears.

I offered her a smile, and she jumped forward and hugged me at an insane speed. I fell backwards onto my back as she snuggled me up as tight as she could, being careful of her claws and almost purring. "Oh thank you, thank you, merciful and gentle one." I was frozen in shock for a moment, mostly because I had never been clinged-to this way before, but then I relaxed and chuckled quietly.

That was the day I met Meulin, which was the best day of my life.


	2. Chapter 2

We all long to be absolutely perfect for the ones we love. Those with matesprites strive for a perfect, flushed relationship, and those that are pale for one another attempt to always be there for them. And that is all I wanted, all I had ever asked for from the "godly Highblood" that cursed me. But I should have known that I would never be perfect, or even adequate for that matter. No matter how hard I tried, I still hurt my dream-maker in the end. Up to that point, we had been such close moirails, (or as she called it, meowrails. I know, it is motherfucking adorable. :o) ) I had never had a matesprite in the past, and never really planned to. I had thought about asking Meulin to be my matesprite before, but I never thought she was red for me. I didn't deserve it, honestly. I didn't deserve her, to be fair. I was put on this Alternia to be alone forever, to never have a quadrant filled. It was safer for everyone that way. But I never, ever would have guessed that it would have put the one I loved in danger.

It was a dark, quiet night, as usual. Meulin had spent the day hunting for her Lusus, and had come over to my hive. She fell asleep on her little bed thing that she had put in my hive for when she stayed the night, while reading me her adorable, but intensely long shipping chart, so I decided to lay with her on the odd human thing she was obsessed with and fall asleep. It was the same as every night; a dreamless, quiet night. Until I was awoken by something. I wasn't sure what woke me, and I didn't have a chance to ponder it, because my entire frame began to shake uncontrollably. My blood-pusher began beating furiously and quickly, and I shot up, sitting forward, the intense power in my blood boiling like an ancient demon. I couldn't control anything, I was paralyzed. I felt Meulin stir and look over at me with sleepy green eyes. Please, no, don't let this happen, I silently begged to any creature with more power than me to stop this, to save her. As soon as I had sat up in the small bed, my lips parted and I felt it coming, the power, the tension, the incredible rage my ancient blood had built. I knew what was about to happen and I struggled as violently as I could against it, but I couldn't win. Meulin leapt forward and grabbed me, softly shaking me. "Kurloz? Kurloz what's wrong?" The scream still erupted in the night and escaped my lungs, pouring into the dark and into my beautiful meowrails eardrums. I heard her pained cries, and it tore me apart. Please, I have to stop, I have to stop this. She took hold of my paralyzed body shakily; holding my head to her chest and wrapping her small, shaking arms around me as she laid me back down with her. Her face rested at the base of my horns, in my curly black hair, and I felt her green tears run down the side of my horn and into my hair. Why was she doing this? Why wouldn't she run away and save herself? I screamed in my mind as the harsh, fatal sound still escaped my throat. All I could see was the thin trails of green blood, run down her neck from her ears, and drip from her chin. Thin streaks of green on grey skin. The image was being burned into my think pan. This is your doing, look what you have done to her. But I couldn't understand why she held me here so intimately, while I slowly killed her. She held me closely while I screamed uncontrollably, until it finally died away, along with my only love. I knew that I had killed her, and I lay there with her, not moving, even once the control over my body had dissipated. I did not move from the position that she put me in, my beloved Meulin. I lay with her, and I did something that I had never willingly done before. I wept.

Softly, of course, but I wept. The nearly clear, purple tears ran down my white and black face, running onto her chest and along her shirt. I held her body close to me and whispered over and over, "I'm sorry…my Meulin. I am so…so sorry…I'm sorry…I'm sorry… I ... I Love you..." And it was true. I never said it out loud and never thought too deeply into it, but I really did. I loved her; the first troll that I had ever come to care for. Here, lying in my arms, dead. Finally, after what seemed like forever, I moved from where we lay, and stood by the bed. I looked down at what I had caused, but I couldn't force myself to look for more than a few seconds. So much green…it had run from her eyes, from her ears and mouth, her nose, even her scalp…Absolutely horrified; I was suddenly filled with pure, motherfucking black fury. I had never, ever hated anyone as much as I motherfucking hated myself in that instant. The words fell out of my mouth in monotone and it scared me, I had hardly noticed I was speaking until now. "…It IS me, isn't it? I never wanted to up and motherfucking think it was me. OH NOO it couldn't be POOR, PATHETIC, kind-hearted KURLOZ. He's too SWEET for THAT shit. No matter HOW HARD I motherfucking selfishly try, I always…I ALWAYS lose what is dearest to me because of my motherfucking stupid blood. Well…haha, NOW, I motherfucking know now how to fix this problem. ForEVER."

I turned to the desk beside me and jerked out the drawer, dumping the only two items in it into my green smeared palm. I moved toward the only mirror in my hive, the only salvation left clenched in my fist. I opened my wretched mouth and looked at my large, countless fangs and gray tongue. Putting my tools into my sylladex, I tightened my hand into a fist, and my think pan began to recoil at my future action. Haha, no worries brother. It'll be over soon. I jerked my head towards the green mess behind me and that one glance gave me all the determination I needed. My fist clenched even harder and I swung it upward as hard as I could; smashing the flesh into my razor sharp fangs. Pain exploded through my mouth and hand, but I accepted it. The grey skin of my hand ripped in various places, and when I removed my fist, tiny fangs went with it, pierced and stuck in the flesh. I felt it on my tongue; two- three- four fangs fell into my mouth, followed by a river of hot purple blood. I spit the teeth and liquid into the floor of my hive, unable to care less at this point. For some reason a part of me found it amusing, and I nearly laughed again. What was happening to me? One more time, I told myself, and clenched my now purple, sharp fist once more. The blow was so hard this time it shook my skull and my horns, and around five fangs fell out. Perfect, that's all I needed to lose. But there still wasn't room for what I planned to do. I swallowed the enormous amount of blood and shivered, not quite afraid yet. If I could bear the amount of pain I just experienced, I could do this. Grasping the gray, long, wet flesh in my mouth with two fingers, I removed one of the items from my sylladex. My hand began shaking as I brought the sharp blade to the wet, gray tongue in my mouth, but it only took a deep breath to settle myself. It's for the safety of others, it's for you. It's for Meulin. Meulin.

I harshly plunged the knife a little more than halfway through the end of my thin tongue, and I suddenly dropped the blade into the floor, a ton of purple following it. I covered my mouth with my hands to muffle the pained scream that erupted by itself, surprised such pain and blood could come from such a simple piece of flesh. The blood overflowed and ran through my fingers, staining the floor further. The grand High Blood would be ashamed of me, letting such "precious blood" become impure. I couldn't care less then I already did. Shaking, I took a second to gather myself, and I picked up the blade again. My vision blurred suddenly and I shook my head, as if to shake away the blurriness. Focus, motherfucker. As soon as I saw myself in the mirror I began quivering again; the unsightly look of the injured flesh hanging loosely in my mouth made me sick. But I still raised the blade to my mouth once more. It wasn't as difficult this time to cut it, and not as painful either, as my entire mouth had gone numb by this point. There was purple everywhere, pouring down my chin and into the floor, soaking my shirt and neck, and. Unknowing of what to do with the dismembered flesh, I shakily dropped it into the floor. It's okay, now that it's over you can do the easy part. You've got this, brother. I took another deep breath and removed the final item, unraveling it a little bit. This will save people, and it would have saved Meulin, I told myself. I knew the cost of it, but I was willing to pay it. I slid the black thread through the thin hole in the needle, and brought it to my bloody lips. And with a concluding sigh, I sewed up my sin.


	3. Chapter 3

I never was able to believe in a twist of fate. Well, after Meulin's death I sort of felt as though I had become a seer, in knowing what was to come of myself. But before then, it was never something I thought could happen. Then again, I wasn't surprised that I thought that. I didn't have a good grip on my wits, and I even began to change a little. My thoughts were different; they didn't even seem like my own. But now, here I lay, finally deep asleep with my lips sewn shut and a sea of purple and green around me. I would never harm someone again, but the cost of it was never being heard again. Sure, I could vocally sigh and hum, but what would that say? No one would hear me again, but I accepted that when the thread was being pulled through my numb, bloody lips. And I'm sure the only person that would ever remember my voice was her. Am I mad? I didn't even care at that point. I hadn't been sleeping well at all for the past couple days; I hadn't even gotten the motivation to smear on my paint or visit my friends. Whenever I did sleep, I had nightmares of murdering everyone…Mituna, Horuss, Porrim, Cronus...everyone. Well, I'm sure no one would really care if Cronus was culled. He's motherfucking annoying. It was my duty as a high blood to kill low bloods, wasn't it? I never wanted to before. I had no personality; I was no different than a walking corpse. I rarely spent time at my hive; I was constantly traveling; moving around the forests and caves, spending as much time away from the scene in which I lost everything. Mituna must have came by a couple days ago and found her there, because I returned last night to an empty bed. The first day after it had happened I slept the entire day and night. I guess when you lose a lot of blood and you become severely depressed your body shuts down for a while to recover. I could hardly get myself to get up and walk around now that she was gone, but I did. Everything had become so pointless…she had always been there to get my mind off things, to cheer me up. She was my medicine. But I took that away from myself. It was my fault, I did this to myself. I deserve this sorrow, this depression. This insanity. I deserve this.


	4. Chapter 4

I awoke to cold, salty water covering my head and chest and I jumped furward, but I couldn't move well. I was in a net, being dragged into water? I yelped and coughed in the saltiness, but something was off. There was silence. Not the silence that one would find in a book hive, but a complete, utter, horrifying silence. I screamed, but I couldn't hear myself. It was like I wasn't even making any sound. It was almost like I was underwater, where everything was muffled, but I couldn't even hear that. I struggled in confusion until I suddenly changed directions and was dragged quickly upwards. The purrson that held me captive in the net quickly cut it loose and I wiped the salt from my eyes, blinking up at the troll. M33nah looked down at me with a straight up, _what the fuck _expression and I returned it. She looked at me as if I was her ancestor in the flesh; and her lips began moving but I couldn't hear what she was saying. I whispurred, "What? I can't…" and touched my ears. M33nah looked at me as if I had gone psycho, but then realized what I meant, and I watched her lips make an O. She looked pissed off for a moment as she looked around, and then dropped my furail body, which was still in the fishing net, onto the sand. I crawled out of it, fr33zing and soaked as I watched what she was doing. She began writing Alternian letters into the sand and I jumped up to read it.

_wtf bitch just a sec ago you were deader than the sufferer_

…You know, I guess I honestly didn't expect much else from M33nah. I leaned forward and traced my words into the sand.

_:33 What on Alternia are you talking about? I was just sleeping at Kurloz's hive _

I stopped in mid sentence, remembering only a little, but all at once. He woke up and started screaming, and it hurt, it hurt really badly and it hurt everywhere…He had told me about his curse, but he never really spoke much about it. Was this it? To kill trolls, to even deafen them? Where…is this why I couldn't hear? It was a little shattering, not only to my hopes but also to my entire reality. So much would change...how would I even comeownicate without having something to write with? I felt so sticky and gross, and I scraped off what was stained onto my neck and face. It was blood..? My blood… I couldn't even process what was happening. I'd have to worry about all of this once I figured out how on Alternia I got to be here, being dragged across a beach in a fishing net by a ghetto sea dweller that thought I was dead.

_:33 _ _I'm deaf meow_

I wrote in the sand instead, shaking my head. She rolled her eyes and started to talk but then remembered, and started tracing letters.

_yeah duh. so like, how are you even alive right now cuz you was pretty dead when I found you_

_:33 Did you just break into Kurloz's Hive and steal me out of my bed?_

_no girl. krillloz has been missing for like 2 days and I went 2 his crib to see what's up and he wasn't there but I found a dead cat _

I frowned. Mostly because she called me a dead cat but also for my worry about Kurloz. Where is he? Did he f33l guilty about deafening me? Wait…Was he even awake when it happened? There was too much happening, and having to write it in the sand was taking furever. It took her about five mewnutes to write what she just wrote. She tapped me and I jumped really hard, startled. I watched her mouth "oh shit my bad"and then she pointed to the sand where she had written,

_there was blood and everyfin everyheir so I just took your body and clamed it for my own_

_:33 can we go to my hive? It's hard to write in sand and having all these long pawses is pawful_

M33nah nodded, looking incredibly relieved and she stood up, her two, long, thin braids still touching the ground even while she was standing. I stood up and my legs started to shake a little, but I got my bearings. I took a step and my entire world tilted and I fell into the sand. I had no sense of balance whatsoefur. As I stood up again I noticed M33nah had been laughing at me, as her shoulders shook with her dumb grin. I furowned at her and she shrugged, putting my arm around her neck and helping me up the silent beach, and I still didn't know why I was there.


	5. Chapter 5

The tall grass swayed with the thin wind, barely blowing through the forest in which I stood. I did not know why I was there, nor did I care. I just stood, taking in the peace and wondering why I could not have any of it. Why was nature so selfish, so cruel? Or an even better question, why did I even care. I stood here silently, holding the blade that I used to remove my sin. I'm not sure what I planned to do with it yet. I just held it tightly in my scarred hand, pondering everything that had happened. I kept it with me always. And I was so out of it that the deep, loud voice that erupted in the air didn't even make me jump. Small, flying creatures fled in fear as the disgusting words fell out of his mouth, the ones that are cursed to be my name. "Kurloz Makara! There you are my young, motherfucking descendant. I haven't been able to motherfucking find you recently, where have you been?"

I didn't even look up at him, my eyes burning suddenly as I sent the words into his head.

_I've been around_

For a moment he looked proud that I actually used my telepathy, but then realized why I was using it, and his expression began falling.

Young one, why does that black evil seal your lips?

_So that I may never kill another with this evil_

Rage suddenly lit up his face, and his voice rang out again in the forest.

"Why, Kurloz, why have you taken away the most motherfucking powerful gift that could ever have been given to you?"

_Because of this, "motherfucking powerful gift" all I can do is kill everything that I love_

His face became dark and knowing as his shadowy voice spoke to me. "And why do you motherfucking think that happened, Kurloz?" I didn't send him anything, I didn't even look up. I continued to watch the ground, silent and weary.

"do you think it was a motherfucking accident? Do you believe that you could not control it, that it just happened?"

_What do you mean by that?_

"Oh, brother, you are so lost in the idea that you are a good troll. You could control it; you could have easily motherfucking stopped. Do you know the reason in which you released your motherfucking power?"

_I don't know why it happened, it just did and now I will regret it for the rest of my life_

"Oh no, brother. You will not. You were motherfucking angry with yourself and with me, and because of that you took your anger out on the closest person to you. You killed that low blood because it is just instinct for us, and because you motherfucking wanted to."

_No, I did not want to kill her_

_And her blood color does not matter_

"Of course, young brother, she is motherfucking dead so of course it would not matter. But still, you _did_ want to do it. Otherwise, you could not have done it. You are motherfucking _weak_, brother. I am ashamed to say it, but you are. The only way you could have killed that troll, is if you motherfucking wanted it."

_Stop _

My fury grew, along with the insanity that was boiling in the depths of my think pan. Don't let him get to you, that is all he's ever done and all he'll ever do. Ignore him, don't believe him.

"There is no sense in lying to yourself, Kurloz. You wanted to kill her; you wanted to see a motherfucking low blood's color to feel your ancient power. And you still do, you still want to kill others so that you can become motherfucking powerful again. You are trying to restore what you took away from yourself, so do it brother. Kill another, and another. The closer they are to you, the stronger you motherfucking become." I was losing it, the sanity, the strength I had left, the sheer troll that was left in me. It was dissipating, along with all of my sense.

_Please stop_

"You were made to murder everyone you love, Kurloz."

That was it, I leapt forward, twisting the blade in my hand in front of me and stabbing forward at the monster that whispered these lies to me. He easily dodged my attack, and threw me to the ground away from him. I landed on my feet, crouched and absolutely furious. "You are so weak, brother. You probably can not even touch me." I ran forward again, and he waited, nearly looking bored with me. I hated him, I hated him so much. All he ever did was tear me down and try to twist my words into something that would drag out my insanity. When he didn't get what he wanted, he would take it out on me, and I was completely done with his abuse and evil. Right before I reached him, I flash stepped behind him and brought the blade down to plunge through his head. He knocked me away with a harsh blow, as if swatting away a large fly. The blade fell from my hand and was lost in the grass, and he laughed as he knocked me down, coming forward to look at my body that lay in the grass. "I have never seen you so violent, brother. It would help a lot if you could use that motherfucking magnificent voice of yours, though." He slammed his large grey hand down on my throat and I choked, unable to breathe as he crouched close over my body. With a clawed hand he reached down and stabbed into my face with his claws, grasping the black and tearing the thread halfway out of my lips. A pained scream erupted from my mouth as my lips were forced open, the blood gushing from the holes in my face. Some of the thread was still sewn tightly there, and the black lines hung loosely from my face. "That's more like it." He growled nearly into my mouth, smiling crazily at me with a billion fangs, not even inches from my face. He reeked of blood and carnage, as if he had been killing all night. It made me sick, and at the same time frightened me. He could kill me as easily as he wanted to, but he held back for some reason. Unexpectedly, I violently grabbed a hold of his mind and threw him off of me. I hated even the texture of his think pan, dark and disgusting; poisonous to the touch almost. As he hit the ground I leapt upwards onto my feet and crouched absolutely furious. "You're getting the hang of it now, young one." He said and grinned as he ran forward towards me. I began to come forward at him as well, and as we met in the middle, not only did our claws clash against each other's hands, but also our minds. Now we were fighting with both our bodies and our think pans, trying to get a hold of each other's actions. It was a bit more difficult, to put it simply. His face became dark and sarcastic as he grasped my wrists behind my back with his claws and grabbed one of my horns with the other hand. I cried out as I was drug upward, and he leaned in to my face. "It almost seems like you want to kill me more than you wanted to kill her. Why are you having so much motherfucking difficulty this time?"

I ripped my arms from his grasp, leaving behind blood and skin, and knocked his arm from the tight clasp on my horn. I fell to the ground and tried to get as far from him as possible as he looked down at his bloody claws, raising an eyebrow. I huffed, preparing to be attacked again.

"Come on, Kurloz. Attack me as though I was the one who motherfucking killed her. Not you." I realized what he was doing, and I stepped away from him and hissed menacingly through the fangs that were left in my mouth. All he wanted was for me to fight him, nothing more. Maybe so I would be pushed to be more violent, so that I would use that power again. No. I was done.

I stood from my crouched position and shook my head at him.

_There's nothing more that I want in this world to kill you right now, but that's what you want me to do. Or try to do at least. It doesn't matter. I'm done._

He growled at me as I walked away, "Use your voice, brother. It is a magnificent, beautiful motherfucking weapon."

_No. I will never speak again, even with my sin torn open for all to see._

_I am done._


	6. Chapter 6

I sat in my big comfy green bed that was in the shape of a ball and wrapped the towel around my shoulders, shifuring a little. The top half of my body was still wet, and it was so cold. I opened my grubtop and started trolling her.

:33 okay M33nah purrlease explain to me why you were dragging me into the ocean?

okay first of f don't call me "M33nah"

:33 but it's a kitty pun 33: you use the fishy ones why can't I call you m33nah?

cuz I can barely read that shit without thinking it's some code or somefin

:33 N'aww 33: well then fine you can't call me Meulfin .

that is an awesome pun why didn't I think of that

:33 but you can't call me that!

come on purl you know I can't kelp it

heheh see right there I just punned the shell out of that

hot clam

i'm on a

shit I can't think of a good pun for that one

:33 how about I'm on a hull? Instead of on a roll.

that's part of a boat right

:33 *sigh* Yes meanah :c

then alright I'll allow it

oh shell nah girl

you didn't just call me mean-ah

:33 oh my jegus pl33se just tell me what I should call you!

you can call me "the most bootylicious ho in the motherglubbin' sea"

:33 Really.

Really meenah. ._.

reely girl

:33 oh my freaking gog

okay okay shit girl get your eel on

just call me meenah

and yeah lemme explain everyfin reel fast

you know me and krilloz aren't that close. or yeah…he's just anemone.

so maybe I stopped by to steel his shit to get some boonbucks at the prawn shop and then accidentally found you at his dive. i thought hey look I don't gotta hunt tonight for the lusus so I was just gonna take you with me back to her

:33 you were just going to f33d me to your lusus.

yeah

:33 …..

it's not like I don't love you or anyfin meulfin

i mean mewlfin

:33 …hmm…

I mean c'mon purl you're the ship

:33 you just used a shipping pun for me?

Omg :'33 you do love me

yeah yeah yeah sure bb

just tell me why krilloz tried to krill you

:33 he didn't…he just woke up from a nightmare and just

Attacked me.

He didn't mean it though! At least…I don't think…

huh

when I got there it looked like a reel sick fight went drown

there was purple and green everyheir and even a few fangs

i dug through the bubble for some stuff you know but even under the Ness I didn't find anyfin reel good

but that's not imserpant

:33 oh my gosh…I hope nothing attacked him…

The last time I saw him I was holding him :c

oh cod I wonder if he got krilled too

what the shell man what's up with all these trolls getting krilled

:33 No one has even died yet meenah. At least…I hope not…

you seem pretty unsure about all this shit girl

:33 I am, I really am…I wonder if Kurloz actually meant to hurt me…

He's always seemed like he was gentle and he cared about me, but that night, when he came back from seeing the Grand High Blood he seemed different…

I hope that evil guy didn't convince him to be mean too :c

shit girl you better watch your meowth if he heard that he'd probably krill you

:33 you said meowth. :'33

yeah yeah I know

just trying to cheer you up I mean clam

everybody's either dead, pissed, or confused at this point

except for me I couldn't reely give a shit

:33 suuure you couldn't meenah.

anywave do you have any idea where you think he might've gone?

:33 I don't know…I hope he isn't being really hard on himself. I have no idea what is happening right meow 3 It's frustrating.

yeah tell me aboat it

:33 anyway I need to try to find him and make sure he's okay :c

sounds good girl but one question

how the shell you gonna do that when you can't talk to people and you can hardly stand up straight

:33 I don't know…But I have to try, right?

nah not really

:33 meenah!

okay yeah sure you have to try

be all heroic and sing a song about it or some ship

:33 :'33 do you wanna help me?

whoa whoa now girl just because I'm your frond and I'm super glubbin' nice to you doesn't mean that I'm gonna go out and help you save anemone

:33 Pweaaaaseeee meenah? I can hardly walk :c do it fur me :o(

you just used his face

motherglubber

:33 Fur me? 33:

ahhh frick

fine

jegus

:33 Eeek! Yay! ^3^

I knew I could trout on you :'33

haha that was pretty clam cute not gonna lie

:33 =u= 3 :D

wow


	7. Chapter 7

I had never felt so apathetic in all of my life.

I couldn't tell anymore if I was sick or just lethargic. Everything was getting worse; with every minute that passed I was falling deeper and deeper into this void of regret and pain. I nearly had to lock myself up last night so that I wouldn't go out and kill anyone; the desire was overwhelming. Perhaps what The Grand Highblood said was right. Perhaps I am just created to cull, and that's why I want to so much. I've tried everything to keep myself from hurting others…I've even tried soper. I don't like how it makes me feel though…druggy and sick. For a short period it was the only way to motivate myself into getting up and facing life every day, but now I don't even do that. Pulling on a leather jacket that I had stolen from Cronus, I left my hive and shivered at the cold, violent wind. Winter was coming fast, it seemed. Time was moving faster than I was at this point. Trudging along, I pointlessly walked into the woods near my hive once more. I'm not sure why I always came here; I guess you could say that I could just lose myself in this place. To get lost in the maze of an endless forest, lost in a daze of beautiful memories;

If only I could keep just one of them, and trash the rest of them. It would be the moment I met…her. But then, I would never know of my sin, and therefore couldn't carry out my oath. Perhaps it was better to hurt than forget. Simple enough, don't you think, brother? I hadn't been watching where I was going, so lost in the dead thoughts in my head, and I tripped over a small log. Crashing to the ground, I didn't even try to catch myself. I just fell, and laid there for a moment in the decaying grass on my side. I just lay there, staring up at the clouds. What was the point in getting up? To go home, and then what? Be lethargic and go crazy? That didn't sound very enticing. Then again brother, what did, the voice said in my head, and I laughed. I could wait for something to happen; someone to walk by or come looking for me. That wasn't likely, I thought. I felt a mind close to me, coming towards me. Okay. I ignored it, closing my eyes, until suddenly my horn was ripped from the crevice in which I was trapped. With a strangled sound of pain I was dragged upwards into the face of a beast. This beast was the size of a denizen, and I just stared him in the face, suddenly a little scared. The beast was suddenly stricken with red and blue bolts, and it dropped me with a pained scream, falling to its death. I lay upon the ground, and after a moment the face of a Mituna was above me. "WH47 7H3 H311 4R3 Y0U D01NG, KUR10Z?!" Mituna dragged me to my feet a little too violently, but he couldn't help it. He was just a little messed up in the head. "7H47 M0N273R 41M027 KI113D Y0U, WH47 7H3 H311 I2 WR0NG W17H Y0U?" I shrugged, wanting to bite my _lip. _

_I just didn't notice him._

Mituna sighed. "Y0U G0774 G37 Y0UR 2H17 70G37H3R, M4N. 4ND WH47 7H3 FUCK H4PP3N3D 70 Y0UR F4CE?" I shook my head as he let go of me. "47 13427 137 M3 W41K Y0U H0M3."

_It's alright, Mituna. I should actually walk you home. How did you get out here?_

He opened his mouth, but then stopped, looking a little confused.

Inhaling deeply, I took ahold of his arm and began leading him to his hive.

He was like a lost grub, sometimes.


	8. Chapter 8

Meenah was definitely annoyed with me, and I think it was because of two reasons. One, I couldn't hear, and two, I was dragging her all over the place looking for Kurloz. I knew she didn't like him, but she was helping for my sake. I suppose she thought she could just carry me over to Kurloz and drop me off like a lost grub. I was curled up on his bed, watching her lips move with the words I could not hear, into her clam phone. When we had arrived at his hive, it was horrific. His blood and my own were everywhere; it looked like a massacre. Meenah helped me clean it up, occasionally, messaging me and asking me wtf happened. I just shook my head, not quite sure myself. What had he done to me? What had even happened here that night…

Oh shit gurl i just found some boonbucks

:33 meenah. Put it back ._.

She frowned at me, but still dropped it. I knew she'd pick it up as soon as I turned my back though.

It had been almost two days since we got here, and he still hadn't returned. Maybe he ran away, or just didn't want to face the mess he left here. I opened my grubtop and messaged him for the first time since everything happened. He still hadn't seen my messages from a week ago, before it happened. He didn't really like messaging that much.

:33 Kurloz? Kurloz if you read this pl33se message me back…I'm so so worried about you love :c

I stared at the message for a few moments, feeling sick. What if he was in trouble, and needed my help. Then again, what if he hurt me on purpose…and then left me…I literally had no idea what was going on and it was frustrating me. I clenched my fists tightly, my claws nearly coming out. I swiftly turned to Meenah's hand on my shoulder, her expression looking down on me in concern. Her eyes asked me if I was alright and I nodded. She wiped a green tear from my cheek, and I looked at it, surprised I was crying.

"I'm sorry." I whispered out loud, although I couldn't even hear myself. I never would hear myself again, but those words weren't only spoken to meenah. They were to Kurloz as well. Whatever had happened must have been bad enough to cause him to leave me, and I had began to fear he would never come back. Meenah smiled down at me a little in sympathy. _Don't cry _her lips spoke, and I leapt onto her, holding her tightly as the tears escaped. I just couldn't hold them back anymore, and I clinged to her for dear life as I sobbed silently. She hugged me back, running her gray fingers through my black hair. She rubbed my back gently, letting me sob into her. Once I calmed down a little, she pulled me back a tiny bit to where she was looking into my face. I closed my eyes as more tears began to fall, my sobs silencing. But I was taken aback suddenly when I felt warm lips against mine and I opened my eyes, shock forming in my stomach. Meenah kissed me softly, and I gently pushed her off of me. "What are you-"I said aloud before she held my face in her hands. _I'm sorry_ she mouthed, looking down in disappointment and getting up suddenly. "Wait!" I called after her, but she was already gone. I sat back, dumbfounded. I didn't realize she actually had feelings for me. But it couldn't be helped now.


	9. Chapter 9

I had finally decided that this was my last night. I walked briskly in the cold evening, not aware of where I was going. I was just walking, walking…nowhere. I felt a tremor, and in confusion pulled a vibrating grub phone from my pocket. When did I ever pick this up? I opened it and realized I had received quite a few messages from a few people, people I had not cared to speak to. Except one. I clicked on her name, and the messages began popping up.

:33 Kurloooooz! You kitten, use your phone I gave you :c

:33 Why do you hate technology so muchhhhhh

:33 Kurlyyy c'mon answer meee I'm outside your hive!

:33 peekaboo =3= I see you over there x3

:33 Kurloz? Kurloz if you read this please message me back…I'm so so worried about you love :c

The last message noted a date that was earlier this day. That wouldn't be possible, my mind was fooling me again. In amusement, I went to message my conscience with this strange technology.

_Meulin is dead by my hand. My sanity is torturing me once more._

:33 What? What are you talking about you silly puss I'm messaging you right now!

_A simple trick of my sanity. You are nothing more than my pain in the light. But I will be dead soon enough and you will no longer torture me._

:33 Kurloz what do you mean? wait pl33se come

I dropped the contraption onto the ground, and smashed it slowly with my foot.

How quaint, I thought. A small conversation with my own conscience. It was funny how I didn't even question it at this point, I had accustomed to seeing things that weren't quite there; my mind played tricks on me constantly. I didn't even blink an eye at this incident. This was the end of it, after all. At first in the beginning I refused to just let go of my strength and will and reason, but I eventually gave up and let my sanity demise. I was slowly losing it; my will, my purpose. It was nonexistent. I killed the only person I ever let myself love, and I'm here for no reason.

_"You have such a pretty voice."_

I turned around, searching for the voice. I recognized it immediately, and even though I knew my mind was just messing with me, I still turned in hope that it was her. But of course it wasn't her. I am a fool. I did what I swore to never do, and to the one that meant the most to me. My mind recoiled as though it had been burned at the thought of the future, of living on in my sin. I reached up and touched the newly re-sewn lines in my lips, pondering it. If I were to die, then what was the point of my vow? It would all be in vain, just like everything else. Why would I want to live on, becoming more and more insane and dangerous to everyone? I would not kill another, but what if I were to lose control once more? I hadn't realized my pace had quickened, until I was crashing through the woods, running away from my sin. But I couldn't stop, I had to escape this depression and pain and torture. If I kept going, it would go away, I could get away from it.


	10. Chapter 10

_:33 Meenah, please help me! Kurloz said he was going to die soon, I think he's in trouble. Please answer this as soon as mew get it. _

_wait babe what do you mean he's in troutble_

_:33 he messaged me and he seemed really off, and he said he was going to die soon. He doesn't think I'm real…_

_what the hell_

_that's weird_

_:33 yeah I know and I'm worried really bad so could you come over and help me look for him again? _

_well_

_look_

_about earlier_

_:33 it's alright Meenah, don't worry atrout it._

_but_

_okay_

_im sorry mewlfin_

_:33 it's alright love. Come as soon as you can._

that's sort of a problem

see im a bit tied up right now

:33 tied up? Do you need help?

no no im fine

btw I got horuss to make you this cat tail

and it will help you balance now

apparently your ear drums combusted along with any sense of balance

so yeah you can come and get that later

:33 omg Meenah! Thank you 3

don't do that

i didnt do anything

but well yeah

just

be careful babe

:33 I will, Meenah. Thanks.

I closed my grubtop and shakily crawled to the door, a little dizzy. I hadn't had any balance since I awoke on the beach that morning, for what reason I didn't know.

Opening the door, I stood and limped towards the woods, occasionally falling. It was like in my bad dreams, when I would run and run but I kept falling and couldn't walk…

But putting that aside, I continued forward as quickly as I could towards Kurloz's hive.


	11. Chapter 11

As I got further and further out into the woods, I began to tire. Slowing my pace, I soon came to a stop and turned around. What on Alternia was I doing? This is ridiculous, I thought, coming to a stop. I stood for a moment in silence, taking in the peace for a final time. Removing my blade from my sylladex, I took one last, deep breath, and raised the knife.


	12. Chapter 12

I glanced up as I pulled myself up on the tree, and I finally found him. His face was all messed up, his paint smeared and his lips nearly black. What…what had he done to himself? "Kurloz!" I tried to scream, but it cracked and barely came out as I hobbled off of the tree and came towards him. He turned his back to me and I saw a light shine in front of him, it must be his sylladex. I ran forward, trying so desperately hard not to fall. As I came closer, I saw what he held in front of his chest. A knife. "No KURLOZ DON'T!" I shrieked as I dived onto his back, wrapping my arms around his waist. I sobbed silently for a few seconds, holding onto him tightly. "please…don't…" I cried, clutching him tightly and hiding my face in his back. He put a cold, gray hand on my arm that was across his waist.

_You feel so real_

I gasped as a voice echoed into my mind, speaking to me. It was him, I know it was him. I closed my eyes and thought back to him.

_I am real, Kurloz. I am I purromise_

_I apologize for not believing you, apparition. So far you are the most realistic one I have seen_

_Apparition? What do you mean by that? _

_I killed Meulin. And I am so weary of these tricks my thinkpan plays. I am done. _

With a harsh shove, he pushed me off of him and I fell to the ground behind him. "Kurloz!"


	13. Chapter 13

With one harsh jerk, the blade sunk into my side, deep. I yanked it out and my lips fought against it's prison, my scream attempting to erupt. As I went to do it again, my actions were frozen by another mind. I froze, unmoving and cautious.

"You were not supposed to live, low blood."

Fury rolled through me at the mere sound of his voice. I tried to turn to face him, but I couldn't move.

"And you were not supposed to attempt suicide. What in the motherfuck is wrong with you, son?" The Grand Highblood's voice rang down at me.

_Release me!_

"I have had a hold on your mind all this time, son. Ever since you supposedly 'killed' her that night."

It cut me deeper than the blade sunk into my side.

_You were there that night_

_You made me scream_

"Yes son. I am the one who made you attack her. I have been clouding your mind with these thoughts of killing others, and have resided in your thoughts, mostly because you aren't motherfucking living up to your blood color, son. If you would just-"

**I AM NOT YOUR SON.**

The words were so loud that they were audible in the air, and Meulin looked up in shock. But I did not care; I was enraged.

I leapt on him, monstrous sounds erupting in my throat as I looked upon him in absolute rage. My lips separated at least an inch and the thread tugged at my lips. I bared my fangs at him through the gap and hissed menacingly. I would not allow this monster to roam Alternia, even if he took me with him to the underworld. With a clawed hand I swiped down at him and he threw me away. Before I had even hit the ground I was coming at him, and now he was coming at me. With one harsh blow I fell to the ground, and his claws extended as I fought. He stabbed deeply into my stomach and a strangled sound erupted from my throat as I writhed beneath him. "No! Kurloz!" I heard Meulin scream before I saw her attack his head, her claws sinking deep into the flesh. He shrieked and she fell to the ground, holding herself in pain from his voice. He let go of me as I choked on my own blood, trying to pull myself up. He turned to her as she scooted away, green blood beginning to run from her mouth. He took a deep breath, preparing just one word to kill her.

**STOP.**

I leapt on his back and slit his throat before he could even blink. The blood seeped from his throat and onto the ground as he fell, blood pooling around him as he choked. He held his throat with his claws as I got off of him. Before I could, he grabbed me by my throat and stabbed deeply into my neck with his claws. I nearly screamed at the pain, but his grip lessened as he began dying and I crawled away from him. Our blood mixed together in the dirt, the same, sickening color. Coughing and spurting, he finally ceased breathing and I took a deep breath.

It was finally over.

A chest-wrenching cough took me over then, and I bent over on the ground, coughing and choking on blood. Meulin pulled me into her lap, papping me and running her little gray fingers through my black hair.

_It's okay you're gonna be okay I promise _

_Meulin_

She looked down at me with tears in her eyes.

_How are you alive_

_You didn't kill me love, you only silenced the world for me_

I reached up and slowly pet the side of her face with the back of my hand.

_I cannot tell you how sorry I am, my Meulin_

She smiled down at me and almost laughed, green tears rolling down her cheek.

_I love you, Meulin._

Before the thought had completely filled her mind she leaned down and kissed my forehead, holding me close.

_I love you too Kurloz. _


End file.
